How can we speak about difficult things in a way that heals?

  • Oct2022

    Today, October 11, 2022, the following headline appeared in the Winchester Star: “United Methodists are breaking up in a slow-motion schism.” Headlines grab attention, so they took some liberty to make it sound more dramatic, but the headline itself is not exactly correct. The United Methodist Church is not involved…

  • Jun2020

    I don’t post much on social media. When I do, I try to keep it very light: sharing the things I love about my family and friends, or trying to lighten someone’s day with my odd sense of humor. For me, social media was meant to be just that: social….

  • Feb2019

    Re:  Actions of the General Conference of the United Methodist Church As many of us are aware, yesterday concluded the called General Conference of the United Methodist Church on human sexuality. You can read more about the details here, but know that the delegation adopted a Traditional plan that retains current…

  • An Explosive Topic

    February 25, 2019

    I’d rather not breach the subject of gun violence. There may be no more explosive topic. But I also know that not saying anything says something. And now I read in my local paper that our school board may soon be talking about the possibility of arming teachers with firearms….

  • Faith and Science: Creation

    February 5, 2019

    Faith and Science: Creation In our current worship series, Faith and Science, we have noted how many Christians treat the Bible as though it were a science textbook. This erroneous approach leads people to ask the Bible how creation came to be, instead of listening to what the Bible is…

I don’t post much on social media. When I do, I try to keep it very light: sharing the things I love about my family and friends, or trying to lighten someone’s day with my odd sense of humor. For me, social media was meant to be just that: social.

But I follow numerous people on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. A friend shared an article that I find is extremely helpful for me, and I think could be for many others, in this time of trying to find helpful dialogue about race. 

You’ll find the article here. It’s entitled “My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest” It’s about a ten minute read, and I lift it up for white people like me, who are trying to grow in our self-understanding and racial sensitivity. I also lift it up for people of color as an example of how you can talk about white privilege in particular, and racism in general, in a way that will most likely be heard. Slogans and platitudes may be absolutely true, yet they don’t speak to the heart, nor are they as convincing, as much as a person’s experience.

The author, Lori Lakin Hutcherson (whose writing style I envy), allows us to overhear her conversation with an old high school friend. I am grateful that she allows us to listen in, because I am better for having heard the conversation. But notice that it is in these trusted relationships that we have sacred space for difficult conversations. And as she recounts some of her experiences of prejudice, I can often almost hear her friend (and myself) say, “Wow, I’m so sorry that happened. I never realized…” Two things to note: 1. trusted relationships are especially fertile ground for difficult conversations and 2. no one can argue with your experience. Simply share this is what happened, and this is how it made me feel.

Racism finds its roots in ignorance. I don’t intend to offend, but sometimes I do out of my ignorance. “I never realized.” Yes, I’ve had rocks thrown at a car I was in (only once) because of race. Yes, I’ve had police point their guns at me (only once) because I “fit the description” (but I really did fit the description). So there may me a point of emotional contact here and there. But mostly, “I never realized.” And when I hear that my friend has been hurt by something I might have been guilty of myself, out of my own ignorance, I am more likely to change my behavior.

It helps when friends share experiences, be they joyful or painful. When we share our experiences, we grow in our relationships. So for people like me (white, male, privileged), let’s keep listening. And I would encourage people of color to share your experiences. Find that sacred space of trusted relationships to share those hurts rather than just “deal with it” as Lori Lakin Hutcherson said she felt she should. In our sharing, our relationships will grow as individuals, and as a society.